Just Another Post

My husband is on 24 hour CQ duty...again. Our relationship has really taken a turn for the better! We have been   spending a lot of great family time together and really enjoying every moment. I think a lot of our problems stem from me staying in my head all the time, thinking about things too hard and trying to find the bad in things. It's hard to stop myself sometimes because I am so scared that I will be blind sided if I don't keep my walls up. That's no way to live, and it definitely wasn't helping my relationship live that's for sure. Sometimes I hate being female, cursed with emotions that I let run rampant. Over thinking every little tone, movement, or conversation...I'm trying my best everyday to be a better me, not only for myself but for the people around me as well. I hope that our relationship continues to strengthen and grow for as long as it can! On another note my little girl is 3 months away from being one year old! It blows my mind! I am already planning her party and picking out her cake and the outfit she is going to wear lol. I think this party is more for me than for her ha ha. I have really gotten into makeup and hair recently. I am always thinking about new things I can do/learn and I'm really thinking about maybe going to school for it! Well I have been thinking about it, but now I am really considering it lol. I guess we will see in the near future what I plan on doing. Sorry for the boring post, there will be better ones to come! I have been busy, busy, busy!! Take care!

Interesting Websites! Thanks To The One And Only EV-E : )

www.Stumbleupon.com

An interesting website that lets you view all the things you want from the internet and MORE!

SuperSprayer

A man with a lot of talent!

Tall Painting

Amazing

 A photo from Natonal Geographics "Chicago Lights"

Backwards, Sideways, and Around~

Spinning out of control! Constant weight loss schemes and beauty rituals are trying to take over my life! I have always been very critical of myself, but that part of me had faded a long time ago...or so I thought! I feel this constant pressure to be as thin as possible and sickeningly gorgeous all day, every day and I don't know why. My head keeps telling my heart that I will be nothing in life unless I am beautiful and thin, it's almost a constant thought. I know that this statement isn't true! I had an eating disorder in high school and sometimes it tries to rear its ugly head, but I just ignore it. I know that these feelings are just temporary weakness but its still disturbing and disappointing that I still have these thoughts...On a different note: My little girl is growing up so fast! I think about it everyday, one day she won't be my squishy, cuddly infant anymore! She will be replaced with a hormonal, angry, self-hating (hopefully not), rebellious teenager... I'm trying to make sure that I do what I need to so that she is well-adjusted and respectful, but what's frustrating is I won't know if I raised her right until she gets to that age and beyond. So these years leading up to those days are going to feel like parental limbo! My brain is constantly going back and forth with these thoughts. All day I'm obsessing about weight and beauty, worried about raising my daughter right, and worrying if my relationship is exactly that, a relationship, or if I'm just naive and  stupid. Okay so now that I got that out I can go about my day purged and free of negative thoughts. My daughter is a blessing! She is my everything and without her I would be lost! She saves me from myself and makes everything around me beautiful! I love you baby girl <3

A Few Simple Words...

Art by Yoshitaka Amano

...Can make all the difference, it's true. Personally, there are so many fears that are constantly orbiting around my relationship with my husband that it makes it so I can't just enjoy the time I get with him. I'm scared that he will leave me again for anyone he meets that makes him feel good. I'm scared of  the potential lack of commitment from him because he refuses to say the few little words that I need from him..."I want to be with you for as long as you will have me, I am yours." Or something like that...I talk to many of my girlfriends and they say the same thing, that if their significant other would just pour out their heart ONE TIME and tell them that they shouldn't be scared, that they love them and that they are theirs, then 98% of these women would have the best sleep of their lives that night. I look at other husbands who are constantly talking about how much they love their wives/family and that they have never been so happy, it makes me look at my husband who never expresses his love for me or his daughter in public. In fact, sometimes it seems like he would rather not have us with him in public. I'm sure that some of this may be a bit dramatic, but what if it isn't? What if he is just buying his time until he finds his "one" and leaves me? I don't understand why I allow myself to live in this and why I still don't want to let go. I guess time will only tell and one day I may get those few simple words...who knows?

Following the Wrong Person's Path

Just because there is someone in the same situation as you, who is handling it badly does not mean that you have to fall as well. Whenever this person bitches and complains you follow shortly after, but before you were totally fine before they started. It's like you can't feel unless you are copying someone else's feelings. You even start talking like them and doing the same facial expressions...but are a totally different person when no one is around! If you are happy or sad, hurt, angry, or scared...EXPRESS IT! Don't wait for someone else to start then you follow...It's so irritating! UGH! FUCKING PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!! *deep breathes* That's all...

Follow me?

du et?

Works of Yoshitaka Amano. One of my favorite artists

 7 panel

sandman

the behemoth

tristan

These were all created by Mr. Yoshitaka Amano. He did all of the art for the final fantasy's, he is an amazing artist and very creative man!

In The Midst Of Chaos~

A couple in Vancouver in the middle of the riot

http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Video-Vancouver-riot-kissing-couple-tells-their?urn=nhl-wp7563

I think this photo speaks volumes. This couple were in the middle of the riot in Vancouver and after the girlfriend had been knocked down by the police her boyfriend bent down and kissed her to calm her down. That is amazing to me, to me that is love. In the middle of all the chaos he was able to focus completely on her and did whatever he needed to help her calm down. I know other people may see this as lame, but just looking at this picture you can see that they are completely focused on each other, you can see the world stopping around them. I think its stunning...

"We Just Now Got The Feeling...

http://youtu.be/CPEBN2dVNUY

..that we're meeting for the first time.."

I wonder how many people go through their lives in a stale and horrid relationship, never thinking that they can or should get out of it and find someone who brings out everything beautiful and bright in them. It's hard to sit and think there is someone out there so numb and jaded to the world, from staying in a bad relationship, that feels like nothing is worth it anymore. That there is no one out there who can make him or her feel alive and
yes, put the rose colored glasses back on.

"And we don't know how we got into this mad situation, only doing things out of frustration, trying to make it work but man these times are hard..."

My relationship is by no means new, but I think we handle stale moments pretty well. Those moments do make me think, regardless, that maybe one day we won't handle these moments so well. That we will forget why we are in love with each other and what has kept us together this long, it's scary to think that that time may come.

"She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time..."

Another thing that I wonder about is why is it so scary to be alone? I know that there is an underlying instinctual reason for being with the opposite sex, of course, but why does it become so complicated? Why can't we look at that one person that makes our heart beat so fast, and our bodies tingle, that instant connection..and keep it? Now I'm not saying that there isn't some lucky couple out there who is still madly in love since day one, but from experiences and being on the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like that happens very often now days. I know that our generation is royally fucked, and that we are ruining what marriage is all about. Hell, I was one of them! I thought that the dynamic would stay the same, boyfriend and girlfriend, but we would have different titles and it has taken me at least two years to figure out that it is not at all that simple. But all this cheating and lack of loyalty is crazy today! We have absolutely no respect for one another, for the most part, and we sure as hell don't respect what marriage is or what it is about. An ex-friend of mine was trying to be with my husband and she knew we were married! It's not just her fault, he is just as guilty, but I mean come on! There are so many single guys out there and you knew my husband for 2 weeks and decided that destroying a marriage was all worth it, that you knew him well enough to ruin other peoples lives. It just makes me sick! So back to my original subject, why do people stay in rough relationships when they can find, cliche I know, their "soul mate".

"We are smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years...."

During the rough times in my marriage, times I maybe should've left and never looked back, I saw the potential in him. I saw what we had and thought that we could have that again and this time it worked, but next time maybe it wont. I understand why we stay...I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

"We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time. Oh these times are hard, yeah they're making us crazy, don't give up on me baby..."

The Good Old Days!

another drawing from Yoshitaka Amano, Not mine..

Yesterday my husband, daughter, and myself went to a cookout with some friends. It was so much fun and it felt great to actually get out of the house and do something fun together. There was good food, great company, and definitely a lot of drink ha ha. My daughter was a little fussy and ended up napping so I laid her down on the couch and tucked a thick blanket under her side, so she wouldn't roll off, and joined everyone outside. Being outside and laughing and having a beer made me remember the days before I was a mommy. I love, love, LOVE being a mother and would never trade it for anything in the world, but there are days that I miss just being able to get up and go. I miss being able to drink and be loud with friends and not have a care in the world, but those days are over for the time being. One day, when my baby is much older, I will have more freedom but until then I am content with being her mommy and her being my baby girl :D I wonder how many other mothers, young and old, feel the same way? Having another body attached to you at all times not only makes you incredibly hot, but also makes it hard to get around lol. But I love it, and in the morning after being without my little girl all night all I can think about when I wake up is putting my arms around her and kissing her relentlessly. Ah, my sweet baby.. <3

C'est la vie...

I decided to take down my last post describing what was running through my mind when writing "An Odd Feeling.." because I think it is unfair of me to just put all of my relationships dirty laundry for everyone to see and judge. It was an immature action on my part that I don't necessarily regret, but understand that it's unfair to the main character. I'm sure there will be many more word heavy, emo-filled, and dirty little secret filled posts to come, but for now I think I need to ease up on the information. Basically I have been betrayed NUMEROUS times by someone I never would've expected it from, shockingly so since it was done over and over again. I thought I was done being naive, but again I was a fool and paid the consequences for it. The past is the past though and if I can't learn from it and get over it then I might as well consider myself some non-human sub-species, I guess :P Hopefully one day I can be confident enough in myself to not let the things other people do affect me so deeply, I guess I just see too much good in people or assume that I wouldn't befriend or love someone who would treat me badly...But oh well, C'est la vie, hmm?

My Sweet Baby...To All The Mothers Out There :

I look at my little girl and wonder how I got so lucky, how I came to be so blessed. She is so happy and smart...ugh, she's just amazing. She's 7 months old today and it blows my ,imd because it feels like we just came home from the hospital! It's unreal to me to think that my little baby will one day be a big girl, teenager, and woman. How do you other mothers deal with these feelings? How do you wake up everyday and know that one day this sweet bundle of warmth and unconditional love will one day want nothing to do with you, well up unitll they come to their senses...I think we have all been there haha. I just want to keep her this age for a little longer, not forever, untill I have had my fill lol. I hope I'm not alone in these feelings, i feel a little creepy smothering motherish...meh...

An odd feeling...

Works from Yoshitaka Amano, these are not mine!!!

My husband is on 24 hour duty and I miss him, but I'm not lonely. Deployment has really changed my whole perspective on leaving or being without someone dear to me. Before deployment I couldn't even imagine myself without him. I would cry and be miserable when he would be gone for a week, hell, even a day! I used to cry when I would leave to go home after visiting family, but not anymore. We went on vacation to visit family about six hours away and had a great time! We stayed for about 3 weeks and when the day finally came to leave...I felt nothing. I knew I was leaving them and had no idea when I would see them again, but I still felt nothing. Now  I'm not saying that I don't love them or miss them, it was just an odd feeling. I was thinking on the drive home if I had become heartless and emotionless.. and if so why? Deployment really changed me by showing me that I was not defined by someone or something. That even if I had no one in my life I could still be happy being me and that opened my eyes, but I'm wondering if deployment also changed me for the worse. For the longest time, probably since about 14, I did everything for everyone else and I thought I knew myself. I was a girlfriend and a friend to people and that was all I needed to know, right? Wrong.  My high school life suffered because I was too wrapped up in if I was good enough for this person or that person and I wasted precious time that I will never get back. I love where my life is now, but for awhile there it seemed like it was falling apart. I had just found out I was expecting, that my husband wanted a divorce 2 months before deployment and on top of all of that I had nothing. I had no savings, no money of my own, no friends around...nothing. I'm not going to dwell on the past , it does nothing but make me angry and bitter all over again. Anyways I guess what I'm wondering is exactly where did I go numb. Where did I decide that "eh, whatever happens happens"? My daughter is the only thing that keeps me strong and she brings out a light in me that I can't even describe. I am so thankful for her and I hope that these odd feelings are only a phase, that I haven't become so jaded that I just go through the motions because it is what is expected of me. I think I have left you, the readers, in the dark a little. I am rereading this post and it's so jumbled and confusing to me so it must be awful for you. I will go into more detail next post and I hope noone thinks I am a sociopath or something like that haha! I just need to grow as a person and make sure I have people around me that will grow as well...Oh god, that's enough for now! Sorry for the emo word-vomit.

Is it wrong...

Is it wrong to ask someone to do something they hate even though it may be what's best for their family? I'm having a hard time deciding if it is selfish of me to ask my husband to stay in the Army for another 3-4 years. I know he hates his job and wants so badly to get out and go to school, but the way things are right now; I'm just scared that we are going to mess up royally because we have no career or trade. I only have my associates and he has less than a year of college under his belt.  People keep telling me that college degrees are nothing these days, but I find that hard to believe...I'm scared that we are going to be in school, working full time, never seeing my baby girl or each other for at least a few years! I know that there are plenty of other people out there in the same, or worse, situation than me, but I can't help the way I feel. So back to my original question: Is it wrong to ask someone to do something they hate even thought it may be what's best for their family? We have a steady pay check, benefits for all, we can both go to school on base on our off time, and I can get a job and PAID childcare for our daughter, when we feel the time is right for her to go. I just wonder how things are going to be when we don't have the comfort of the military anymore...And I wonder if we are taking the wrong road by "taking our chances" without any plan for the minimum wage future...I don't know if I should bring it up to him or let him come to me when he is ready...I don't want to put pressure because I know if he reenlists then there is a guaranteed re-deployment and that I do not want...Ugh, hard decisions!!

Here we go!

This is my first blog and I'm pretty excited! This seems like an interesting way to..umm...get things off of my chest, maybe let some creative juices flow, or just pass the time. I guess I will go ahead and start with the basics for anyone who decides to read this. You can call me Panda, I'm 22, and I have a BEAUTIFUL daughter named Nora! She is almost 7 months old and where the time went? I have no idea..I have a wonderful husband who is honestly my best friend in the entire world. We have been together for a long time now, almost 8 years. My husband joined the military in 2008 and we have both experienced things, i think, we never expected to experience in our lifetime (him more than me lol). Deployments, field training for weeks, moving, the rules and regulations; all of these have enriched and crushed our lives to a degree. Honestly I shouldn't be complaining because the military, for the most part, takes care of their own. We have a steady pay check, great benefits, any kind of help we could ever possibly need (marriage counseling, help finding jobs, college help, and so much more). I just wish there wasn't such a high price to potentially pay..My husband being deployed was one of the most stressful, awful times of my life. He is back home safely, thank god, and doing well. We have a big decision coming up: whether to stay in the military or take our chances on the outside. We are both scared about providing for our daughter while being in school, not only finacially but emotionally as well. Well that's all for now..and I'm pretty sure that was more than "the basics" lol, Oh well..