An odd feeling...

Works from Yoshitaka Amano, these are not mine!!!

My husband is on 24 hour duty and I miss him, but I'm not lonely. Deployment has really changed my whole perspective on leaving or being without someone dear to me. Before deployment I couldn't even imagine myself without him. I would cry and be miserable when he would be gone for a week, hell, even a day! I used to cry when I would leave to go home after visiting family, but not anymore. We went on vacation to visit family about six hours away and had a great time! We stayed for about 3 weeks and when the day finally came to leave...I felt nothing. I knew I was leaving them and had no idea when I would see them again, but I still felt nothing. Now  I'm not saying that I don't love them or miss them, it was just an odd feeling. I was thinking on the drive home if I had become heartless and emotionless.. and if so why? Deployment really changed me by showing me that I was not defined by someone or something. That even if I had no one in my life I could still be happy being me and that opened my eyes, but I'm wondering if deployment also changed me for the worse. For the longest time, probably since about 14, I did everything for everyone else and I thought I knew myself. I was a girlfriend and a friend to people and that was all I needed to know, right? Wrong.  My high school life suffered because I was too wrapped up in if I was good enough for this person or that person and I wasted precious time that I will never get back. I love where my life is now, but for awhile there it seemed like it was falling apart. I had just found out I was expecting, that my husband wanted a divorce 2 months before deployment and on top of all of that I had nothing. I had no savings, no money of my own, no friends around...nothing. I'm not going to dwell on the past , it does nothing but make me angry and bitter all over again. Anyways I guess what I'm wondering is exactly where did I go numb. Where did I decide that "eh, whatever happens happens"? My daughter is the only thing that keeps me strong and she brings out a light in me that I can't even describe. I am so thankful for her and I hope that these odd feelings are only a phase, that I haven't become so jaded that I just go through the motions because it is what is expected of me. I think I have left you, the readers, in the dark a little. I am rereading this post and it's so jumbled and confusing to me so it must be awful for you. I will go into more detail next post and I hope noone thinks I am a sociopath or something like that haha! I just need to grow as a person and make sure I have people around me that will grow as well...Oh god, that's enough for now! Sorry for the emo word-vomit.