Backwards, Sideways, and Around~

Spinning out of control! Constant weight loss schemes and beauty rituals are trying to take over my life! I have always been very critical of myself, but that part of me had faded a long time ago...or so I thought! I feel this constant pressure to be as thin as possible and sickeningly gorgeous all day, every day and I don't know why. My head keeps telling my heart that I will be nothing in life unless I am beautiful and thin, it's almost a constant thought. I know that this statement isn't true! I had an eating disorder in high school and sometimes it tries to rear its ugly head, but I just ignore it. I know that these feelings are just temporary weakness but its still disturbing and disappointing that I still have these thoughts...On a different note: My little girl is growing up so fast! I think about it everyday, one day she won't be my squishy, cuddly infant anymore! She will be replaced with a hormonal, angry, self-hating (hopefully not), rebellious teenager... I'm trying to make sure that I do what I need to so that she is well-adjusted and respectful, but what's frustrating is I won't know if I raised her right until she gets to that age and beyond. So these years leading up to those days are going to feel like parental limbo! My brain is constantly going back and forth with these thoughts. All day I'm obsessing about weight and beauty, worried about raising my daughter right, and worrying if my relationship is exactly that, a relationship, or if I'm just naive and  stupid. Okay so now that I got that out I can go about my day purged and free of negative thoughts. My daughter is a blessing! She is my everything and without her I would be lost! She saves me from myself and makes everything around me beautiful! I love you baby girl <3